George Lopez

I hate George Lopez, I hate his stand up, I hate his TV shows, and I hate his theme song “Low Rider.” I also hated George Lopez in Ski Patrol as Eddie Martinez. I hated George Lopez in Fatal Instinct as a Murder Investigator. I hated George Lopez in Bread and Roses as Perez. I hated George Lopez in Real Women Have Curves as Mr. Guzman. I hated George Lopez in The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl as Mr. Electricidad/ Mr. Electric/Tobor. I hated George Lopez in Balls of Fury as Ernie Rodriguez. I hated George Lopez in  Tortilla Heaven as Everardo. I hated George Lopez in  Swing Vote as John Sweeney. I hated George Lopez in  Henry Poole Is Here as Father Salizar. I hated George Lopez in Beverly Hills Chihuahua as the ugly Chihuahua Papi.  I HATE GEORGE LOPEZ….

But with that said he did give us…

Craigslist Dating

From time to time Big Dave does a little internet dating on Craigslist, I happen to come across this young little lady’s ad last night.  I opened it, expecting it to be some dumb little story about why she is on Craiglist looking for men. But what I have found was WAY WORSE….The girl created a goddamn girlfriend application (see my application below) Or take it yourself at  http://sandiego.craigslist.org/nsd/w4w/1470867547.html

 

The Gurlfriend Application

Just a reminder: be completely honest with all your answers, I will be double checking applications using Google to ensure honesty. Any false information will automatically nullify any chance you might have had. Thanks, and have fun.
This application must be filled out in its entirety in order to be considered for the position that you are applying. Photographs may sway my opinion one way or the other, feel free to attach any that you think may help you gain this position.

BASIC INFORMATION
1. Full legal name:          Dave
2. Age 3. Height 4. Weight 5. Eye color:   34yrs,  6 o, 180 lbs, brown eyes.
6. Natural hair color:    Dark Brown, a glorious dark brown by the way. So dark and brown and wavy that I look like Uncle Jessie from Full House.

CONTACT INFORMATION
9. Home phone ( ) – You wish
10. Cell Phone ( ) – Yeah Right
11. Email – keep trying

GETTING TO KNOW YOU
12. Are you a virgin? Y N: Hell no, I’ve had so many partners that I can’t count them on my own two hands, furthermore I would need the hands of 300 illegals and a couple of midgets from the County fair to be able to count them all.
13. If no, how many past sexual partners have you had? see above
14. Have you ever had a sex change? Y N: FUCK NO! 15. Do you smoke? Y N: FUCK YES…GPC REDS and only GPC
16. Do you use any illegal substances? Y N : Yes Steroids, Cocaine, Peyote, Acid, Roofies, etc, etc, etc,
17. Do you have kids? Y N: Yeah Probably
18. If yes, how many?

19. Do you workout? Y N: Yes all the fucking time take a look at the man in the photo. Look at those arms and chest, try not to salivate over them.

20. Do you currently have a source of income? Y N : Yes
21. If yes, what is it?: My blog, go there now at www.tipsbybigdave.com
22. Do you live on your own? Y N: Hell yeah
23. If no, whom do you currently reside with? Agapito my little filipina friend
24. What kind of car do you drive? A 1992 Volkswagen Rabbit
25. Furthest level of edumacation (circle one): High School Some College Associate’s Degree Bachelor’s Degree: A PHD in Training in Public…and the correct spelling is EDUCATION, dummy!
26. Do you have a history of mental illness? Y N: No shit No.
27. Favorite sport & team: Don’t care, shouldn’t matter to you because you’re a women and women don’t like sports.
28. Have you ever cheated on a girlfriend? Y N: I ALWAYS CHEAT ON MY GIRLFRIENDS.
29. Do you cook? Y N: NO Agapito does the cooking if you decide to go on a date with me YOU will be doing the cooking and the cleaning.
30. Do you have any siblings? Y N: NO 31. What is your religion?
32. What is your political persuasion? I don’t know what the hell persuasion means, Fuck Obama if that answers your question
33. How many piercings (not including ears) do you have? None, piercings are for queers, emos, and hookers
34. How many tattoos do you have? None
35. What is your current favorite movie of all time? I hate Twilight, I hate Michael Cera Movies.

36. List your three favorite genres of music in order of most favorite to least favorite:
Whitesnake, Whitesnake and Whitesnake

REASONS I SHOULD PICK YOU
37. What is your idea of a perfect date in three sentences or less?

Take you to a local 7 and elven,  buy you a cup of coffee and maybe a frozen burrito, go back to my house, let you look at pictures of me and then make love.

38. Explain why I should pick you as my boyfriend in one sentence:

No, how about YOU  explain why Big Dave should pick you to be his girlfriend.

39. List any special skills that you may have that are relevant to this position:

Come on, I have a black belt in DNA, I created and wrote one of the greatest training and exercise programs known to man and I have one of the most well known blogs on all of the internet.

40. What do you want out of a relationship, specifically one with me?

SEX, GOOD COOKER/ BAKER, GOOD CLEANER,preferbly  DEAF OR MUTE

RELATIONSHIP BACKGROUND
List the details of your past three relationships starting with the most recent.

Start Date: End Date: Don’t know and Don’t care
Were you in love? Y N  Hell no. Am I prettier? Y N: Probably NOT
Sexually active? Y N : If your asking, if we had sex…yes multiple times dummy.
Reason for breakup: Got bored. I like my women like I like my cereal and I like my cereal in those little variety boxes...

Start Date: End Date:
Were you in love? Y N Am I prettier? Y N
Sexually active? Y N
Reason for breakup:  see above

Start Date: End Date:
Were you in love? Y N Am I prettier? Y N
Sexually active? Y N
Reason for breakup: see above

REFERENCES
Please supply three references (preferably hot male friends) and their phone numbers or email addresses.
Name:
Phone: ( ) -How about we skip this step and you give me the numbers to ALL the hot females you got in your phone, WITH THEIR PICTURES.
Email:

Name:
Phone: ( ) -
Email:

Name:
Phone: ( ) -
Email:

CERTIFICATION
I hereby certify that the information given by me in this application is true to my knowledge and I give you the authorization to verify it using any means you deem appropriate. I understand that by filling out this form and submitting it for review does not guarantee that I will be chosen.

Date Applicant: 11/17/09
Signature:Big Fucking Dave BOOm!

http://sandiego.craigslist.org/nsd/w4w/1470867547.html

INTERNET PORN SUCKS!

What the hell happened to the good old days of porn?

Back when your JO sessions meant something it was like a ritual, almost spiritual. Where all you had was your imagination, maybe an old porno magazine.  Or that channel on your TV, that had the porno channel on but the picture was all scrambled (if you were lucky you could maybe catch a glimpse of titty or maybe some ass, but you had to use your imagination to fill out the rest.) Or if you were really lucky, like Big Dave you owned a library of old VHS  pornos like; Barbara Broadcast, Deep Throat, Alice in Wonderland, Behind the Green Door, Inside Seka, Insatiable, Candy Stripers, Aunt Peg, Outlaw Ladies, Long Jeanne Silver. These movies were so good that you had to watch them from start to finish. (Especially if your VCR remote was lost or out of batteries.) The actresses were beautiful, especially if you liked a lot of muff hair and the music was fucking awesome.

Below: Long Jeanne Silver ( Big Dave’s All Time Favorite Porno)

"My name is Long Jeanne Silver and I'm handicapped and horny!"

TODAY  the state of pornography is at an all time low. The internet is to blame. The internet has made masturbation nearly impossible, there are so many goddamn websites to choose from a simple afternoon session could last up to seven hours. There are also so many categories to choose from like; Asian, Ebony, Femdom, Blondes, Brazilian, Uniform, Creampies, Anal Creampies, POV, Brunette, Interracial, Transsexuals, Threesome, Midget (just to name a few.) With all these categories at your disposal, your brain goes into prono-overload and when you hit this stage it can ruin your whole session. Now don’t get me wrong I love variety, but even Big Dave can’t possibly make it through all these categories in ONE session. I’ve made a list of other reasons why internet porn sucks, called Big Dave’s List of Reasons Why Internet Porn Sucks.

Big Dave’s List of Reasons Why Internet Porn Sucks and why we should go back to VHS porn.

No Muff Hair: Come on, give me a little landing strip or a small patch, something…It’s not like I’m asking for a fucking jungle or anything.

No Storylines: How am I supposed to properly warm up, there isn’t any character development and there isn’t a lead up to the sex scene.

Duration: All the videos on the internet are short 2min clips of lovemaking followed by money shots to either the face or chest or in some instances creampies to the vagina or butthole.

No Music: Porn music to me is what the feeding bell was to Pavlov’s dogs. How am I supposed to know when a sex scene is coming?

They just don’t make them like they use to… Go to hell Internet Porn.

Kanye West Dead?

No just an online hoax…

Oh too bad.

Who would you rather do?

Some More Poetry

Me, Myself and My Cock

By Big Dave

Roses are red and violets are blue

Me, myself and my cock,  do not need anyone

Because my cock is so fucking big and great and special

The Truth About Cigarettes – A PSA by Big Dave

From one Genius to another.

There are few things in this world that make Big Dave emotional, they are midget escorts, a good bourbon and virgin hookers.  But the thing that really gets me going, is when I find that my poetry has inspired someone.  The following was left on my site yesterday by a  doctor. That’s right you read that right a REAL FUCKING DOCTOR… So for all of you that think I don’t have any sophisticated fans— FUCK YOU

Submitted by Doctor Dave on 2009/10/09 at 7:32pm

I thought I was alone out there big Dave. Seems evolution stopped at me and you. Your poetry makes me feel alive. As for all those fucking metrosexual maggots, I hate you all. If you have to ask twice it’s because she ain’t interested. You look like a total pussy and she wants a real man. If me or big Dave ask twice it’s because they’re fucking deaf or twins.

Things That Don’t Mix Well

Being EMO and being FAT

Being EMO sucks. Being FAT and EMO sucks a lot more.

Men and Baking

Baking cakes is a WOMANLY activity. There is no way you can be MANLY when baking a cake, no matter how many whistles, gadgets or rockets you put on it.

GAY

Bill Maher and Politics:

You complained and complained to get Bush out of office and now look what you’ve done.

Coffee and Gays

Have you ever seen a gay that’s NOT full of energy? They’re always dancing and shit or skipping around like little ferries, unlike regular humans they DO NOT need sleep.  Gays have super human energy, gay energy. They are like robots, little gay robot ferries that make the rest of us look tired and unproductive.

But when you give a GAY COFFEE, watch out. A gay on coffee or any other type of energetic is a complete disaster, their fucking heads will explode. So NO more coffee for gays.

A GAY ON COFFEE

Women and TV Remotes

These two really DO NOT go together. Women SUCK at watching TV.

Why?

Women watch dumb ass shows: The Kardashians, Grey’s Anatomy, Lifetime, the WNBA, just to name a few.

Women don’t channel surf: I hate the fact that women will find a show and stay on it until it ends, watching everything from the credits to the boring commercials.

Women multitask: Women can’t watch TV without doing something else. They love multitasking when they’re watching TV, they do everything like,  groom themselves, read, eat, talk, talk on the phone, be annoying…this is why they don’t channel surf.

Seth Rogen and Laughing

I was watching a Seth Rogen movie the other day. It was a pretty good movie until I heard this…

http://www.mtv.com/videos/movies/264298/seth-rogen-the-happiest-man-on-earth.jhtml

Seth Rogen should NEVER be allowed to laugh. Watch the video again if you need more convincing.

The Winner of “I’m Next on Big Dave’s Shitlist” is The Gay Twilight Guy

I write poetry now an again and I found it fitting that I write the winner of the poll question (The gay guy from Twilight) a poem.

I love Haikus; they’re Big Dave’s favorite form of poetry, the way the words just blend together forming beautiful harmony and grace. Well without further ado my haiku:

Twilight

By Big Dave

Roses are Red and violets are blue

Go to fucking Hell, gay guy from Twilight

I hope your mother catches gonorrhea, you pale son of a bitch

If I ever saw you in the street, I would take a crowbar to your head and piss on you.